Today I lost my sense of humour.
It will come back. At some point. But for now I'm in a horrible place and life feels almost unbearable. Again.
Hope flickered earlier today (those precious, painful hopes which I can't quite leave behind) and Husby and I spent some time together, in a concerted effort to help the hopes become realities.
But when you're not only battling impending infertility but a grief hangover and depression treated with SSRI's, I can promise you - it all ends in tears. Curled-in-a-ball, broken tears.Which rather ruins the mood.
We really tried. But the SSRI family of drugs have one rather unfortunate side effect, which means that it doesn't even matter if Husby's sperm count is within the 'viable' brackets - because if they're not going anywhere, we're still not having any kids.
I'm sure it's all very well and good to just be able to enjoy the moments of married bliss and togetherness. If only there wasn't all the rest of the crap.
With a side-order of total shit, by the way (thanks, this week) - we found out that my Father-in-law has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Oh, and thanks to a completely dickheaded ruling of one of the courts of the land, a very wicked man is being allowed to see his children again. And if the children were dogs (after the way he treated them) then he would be banned from owning dogs forever, and would probably be prosecuted. But because they're kids (and not as important as dogs?) and somecrap about 'rights of the father' and 'insufficient evidence', they are supporting his application.
And I want to kidnap those precious children and take them away and keep them safe.
And I'm terrified that (in spite of all the very many viable and positive options for treatment) my FIL will die without us having made him a Grandad.
And I'm BEYOND pissed off that we are stuck in an epic Catch-22 of either having a non-depressed, medicated Husby who is unable to create children, or a depressed, non-medicated Husby who doesn't want to.
Either way, February is almost too close to do anything about it.
Never say never? Pshaaawwwwwf*
So. The upshot is; The Abyss is back. And I'm in it.
And I'd be the crappiest ever in the world Ten Things of Thankful founder, if I didn't take my own advice and use that damn exercise to try to conquer the challenges of life by Actively Seeking Good. Like RightNow.
No linkie (sorry - I'm still giving my co-hosts the fortnight (YES, it's a word, dagnabbit! Means 'two weeks', rednecks...) but I need this. And I need it tomorrow. And Monday. And probably Tuesday. And DEFINITELY Christmas day.
Time to tap into that stubbornness and pig-headedness I know I can work to my advantage.
TEN (un)FUCKING HEROIC THINGS OF THANKFUL
1. I am HUGELYMASSIVELY thankful for the outlet of writing. I know I've said this before, but it bears reiterating. And for friends who share that writing. And people who give back, having read something very personal and hard-to-write.
2. I'm thankful that in spite of the epic side-swipe of fate-thwarting we suffered today, there was at least the intention and the desire to try.
3. I'm thankful for my friends who hold my hopes.
4. I'm thankful that I managed to restrain myself when a sweet old lady I saw as a patient today, asked if I had any children. I'm also thankful that I managed a short-but-not-unprofessional "No." before biting the insides of my lips and NOT CRYING as I focussed on entering her details into the computer. WAY BIG WIN right there.
5. I'm SO thankful that when I arrived home to another pile of Christmas ambush mail through the letterbox, there was one, beautiful, NOT-Christmas letter, and it was from the most darlingest girl - Kate (who blogs at Another Clean Slate) and it was short and very sweet. And it really made my day.
6. I'm thankful that after the epic fail of the evening, I made a healthy decision, not to return home to loneliness, bitterness, wine and tears, but to family. I drove (don't drive while crying, kids - it's not real smart) round to Mum's and got hugged and looked after and sympathised with and nurtured by WonderAunty (I also had my nose Merrrped! and it still made me smile, even while crying) and it all felt a lot less desperate.
7. I'm really thankful that the women in my family know how to serve a 'best supporting' tray of cup-of-teas, crackers and cheese along with all the hugs and looking-after.
8. I'm thankful that they worked their magic enough that when I got home (and was still on my own, awaiting Husby's return from his club night) that I still didn't drink the wine. And I only cried a little bit more.
9. I'm thankful for Palmer's Cocoa Butter, which soothes eyes which have had far too much time being washed with salt tears.
10. I'm thankful for Husby, who cooked dinner as I wrote this, and who is calmly, patiently eating his now, as I continue doggedly to the end of my list. And who is going to sit next to me and snuggle with me as we zone out of reality for half an hour, watching Bewitched and wishing that we had Sam's powers to make it all better, and Endora's powers for wreaking vengeant justice.
*I pray that one day you can throw that in my face and say "HAH! Look - it happened."
EDIT: I changed my mind.
LINKIIIEEEE! I wanna see yours. If you have one. Welcome to the New World!