Google+ Considerings: No. I need my Ten.

Saturday, 21 December 2013

No. I need my Ten.

Today I lost my sense of humour.

It will come back. At some point. But for now I'm in a horrible place and life feels almost unbearable. Again.

Hope flickered earlier today (those precious, painful hopes which I can't quite leave behind) and Husby and I spent some time together, in a concerted effort to help the hopes become realities.

But when you're not only battling impending infertility but a grief hangover and depression treated with SSRI's, I can promise you - it all ends in tears. Curled-in-a-ball, broken tears.Which rather ruins the mood.

We really tried. But the SSRI family of drugs have one rather unfortunate side effect, which means that it doesn't even matter if Husby's sperm count is within the 'viable' brackets - because if they're not going anywhere, we're still not having any kids.

I'm sure it's all very well and good to just be able to enjoy the moments of married bliss and togetherness. If only there wasn't all the rest of the crap.

With a side-order of total shit, by the way (thanks, this week) - we found out that my Father-in-law has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Oh, and thanks to a completely dickheaded ruling of one of the courts of the land, a very wicked man is being allowed to see his children again. And if the children were dogs (after the way he treated them) then he would be banned from owning dogs forever, and would probably be prosecuted. But because they're kids (and not as important as dogs?) and somecrap about 'rights of the father' and 'insufficient evidence', they are supporting his application.

And I want to kidnap those precious children and take them away and keep them safe.

And I'm terrified that (in spite of all the very many viable and positive options for treatment) my FIL will die without us having made him a Grandad.

And I'm BEYOND pissed off that we are stuck in an epic Catch-22 of either having a non-depressed, medicated Husby who is unable to create children, or a depressed, non-medicated Husby who doesn't want to.

Either way, February is almost too close to do anything about it.

Never say never? Pshaaawwwwwf*


 So. The upshot is; The Abyss is back. And I'm in it.

And I'd be the crappiest ever in the world Ten Things of Thankful founder, if I didn't take my own advice and use that damn exercise to try to conquer the challenges of life by Actively Seeking Good. Like RightNow.

No linkie (sorry - I'm still giving my co-hosts the fortnight (YES, it's a word, dagnabbit! Means 'two weeks', rednecks...) but I need this. And I need it tomorrow. And Monday. And probably Tuesday. And DEFINITELY Christmas day.

Time to tap into that stubbornness and pig-headedness I know I can work to my advantage.

TEN (un)FUCKING HEROIC THINGS OF THANKFUL

1. I am HUGELYMASSIVELY thankful for the outlet of writing. I know I've said this before, but it bears reiterating. And for friends who share that writing. And people who give back, having read something very personal and hard-to-write.

2. I'm thankful that in spite of the epic side-swipe of fate-thwarting we suffered today, there was at least the intention and the desire to try.

3. I'm thankful for my friends who hold my hopes.

4. I'm thankful that I managed to restrain myself when a sweet old lady I saw as a patient today, asked if I had any children. I'm also thankful that I managed a short-but-not-unprofessional "No." before biting the insides of my lips and NOT CRYING as I focussed on entering her details into the computer. WAY BIG WIN right there.

5. I'm SO thankful that when I arrived home to another pile of Christmas ambush mail through the letterbox, there was one, beautiful, NOT-Christmas letter, and it was from the most darlingest girl - Kate (who blogs at Another Clean Slate) and it was short and very sweet. And it really made my day.


6. I'm thankful that after the epic fail of the evening, I made a healthy decision, not to return home to loneliness, bitterness, wine and tears, but to family. I drove (don't drive while crying, kids - it's not real smart) round to Mum's and got hugged and looked after and sympathised with and nurtured by WonderAunty (I also had my nose Merrrped! and it still made me smile, even while crying) and it all felt a lot less desperate.

7. I'm really thankful that the women in my family know how to serve a 'best supporting' tray of cup-of-teas, crackers and cheese along with all the hugs and looking-after.

8. I'm thankful that they worked their magic enough that when I got home (and was still on my own, awaiting Husby's return from his club night) that I still didn't drink the wine. And I only cried a little bit more.

9. I'm thankful for Palmer's Cocoa Butter, which soothes eyes which have had far too much time being washed with salt tears.

10. I'm thankful for Husby, who cooked dinner as I wrote this, and who is calmly, patiently eating his now, as I continue doggedly to the end of my list. And who is going to sit next to me and snuggle with me as we zone out of reality for half an hour, watching Bewitched and wishing that we had Sam's powers to make it all better, and Endora's powers for wreaking vengeant justice.

FATT.

*I pray that one day you can throw that in my face and say "HAH! Look - it happened."


EDIT: I changed my mind.

LINKIIIEEEE! I wanna see yours. If you have one. Welcome to the New World!

Ten Things of Thankful



89 comments:

  1. Lizzi, this is admirable and couragious. It really is, and I REALLY get why you did it. But you know what my therapist would say? He would say what he keeps saying to me, that it's OK to feel like crap. It's OK to be angry or sad or bummed or like life sucks for while. He would tell you, like he tells me, to lean in to the pain and move through it.

    IT'S OK. Whatever you feel, you feel.

    I know I spend a lot of time trying to change my mind about what I truly feel.

    Also, what about different meds? There ARE some anti-depressants that don't have that side affect, or notsomuch of it.

    (((HUGS))) my friend.

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    1. Thanks Jen. At the moment I'm too swamped with the feels of it to even try to change it. I just know I need to recognise that there are also Good Things - some VERY Good Things in my life as well. A kind of attempt at ignoring the clouds and focussing on the silver linings.

      We thought about different meds. I think he's even been to the doctor. But the potential destabilisation (when he's finally, FINALLY begun to come out of this) is so scary, added to which that the current set will take about a month to 6 weeks to wean off of, before new ones can be introduced - it really all feels too little, too late.

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  2. Oh Lizzi, I don't even know how to respond to this. I feel awful that all this is happening to you. Times like this I question my own faith because the world is so unfair. I just don't get it. You are such a kind and giving person--you deserve so much happiness. I wish there was something I could do to ease you burden but I know that in reality all I can do is tell you what an amazing, smart, talented and STRONG woman I think you are. Please don't give up. Things have GOT to improve soon. You just have to keep the faith that they will. In the meantime, you have me and all your bloggy friends to lean on when things get crappy. We are ALWAYS here for you! XO

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    1. We were never promised fair. And kind, giving people are just that - kind and giving. There is no implicit return. I wish there was something anyone could do. But prayers and support are really the limit of all that is possible. Because I'm into feeling that nothing can fix this.

      There is no 'got to improve'. But I won't give up. I'll keep picking up the pieces, knowing that I have wonderful friends and family around me to help. And it really does help to know that. Thank you <3

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  3. Lizzi!!! I am so thankful that your family is close by so you can get hugged and taken care of. I am sending you huge (((HUGS))) I have you in my prayers, don't give up sweet Lizzi!!!

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    1. Yes - that's truly a HUGE thing to be grateful for. SO, so massive. Because without them...

      Thank you for the hugs and prayers, Natalia x

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  4. Ahhhhhh SHIT!!! It's been one of those heart heavy days over here- as I was thinking of my list that I am going to write before I read this... eerily symbolic. Crashing in... so many lives. And my heart beats harder and stronger as I pray harder and stronger than ever for those dear beloveds that I hold so close to my heart. YOU are one of them, sweet lovely. Yes you. Gorgeous capable worth every morsel of love and good will than anyone I know....

    Hold on.

    Hold on.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Feel more like I'm on hold...

      Thanks though lovely. Sucks that it's been one of those days for you as well. But glad you're writing a list and looking forward to reading it. *MASSIVEHUGS*

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    2. I never moved from my laptop since writing the comment....went straight to writing my list. Had to. I hope and pray you are sound asleep... and tomorrow you wake with a renewal of spirit and strength.

      I will pray...while you're on hold. XO

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    3. Came back to get the button... love you. I see you are still up!! You will have to give a translation for your comment... I just know it's breathtaking. I just know it. You always take my breath away, dear one.

      Praying you through...

      Praying you through...

      Praying you through...

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  5. Lizzi sending hugs and lots of love!!! xo

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  6. Lizzi,
    Despite everything you're going thru, you still manage to do good for others. I admire that you're finding the positive aspects of your life and it's important not to lose sight of that. From the short time I've known you, I could see so much beauty and goodness in you. You will get past it and you deserve to be happy. We're all praying for you. I'm extending my arms out all the way from Texas to reach out to you for a great big Texan hug.

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    1. I try - if I keep Doing Good, at least I know I've achieved something worthwhile. The rest is a gamble (and one I feel I'm losing).

      Many people deserve to be happy. I'm beginning to divorce the idea of 'happiness' from the idea of 'worthiness' though, because tangling those two together seems to bring more pain than it's worth, because if a good person deserves to be happy then surely the inverse is true - an unhappy person isn't good....

      Thanks though :) I appreciate the hug and prayers.

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  7. I'm sorry, Lizzi. I know the depths of that abyss. They were resurrected as I was reading your post. Focusing on gratitude is admirable. There was a lot more I was going to say but it all sounds like a terrible cliche and not very helpful.I'll be praying for your success.

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    1. Ack! Sorry. Didn't mean to trigger anything! Hope you're okay.

      Focusing on gratitude is necessary. Otherwise I become worse, and whiney with it. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers HUGE. And you. Thank you <3

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  8. I had to upload my writing to google drive while I'm vacationing with family because I can't stop writing.
    Second, if it's any help: my dad first had quintuple bypass surgery combined with a heart attack about 15 years ago, then 10 years ago a stroke, then 5 years ago, got diagnosed with prostate cancer. Today, the man is like humpty dumpty: they've gone and put him back together again. Of all the cancers to get (and no, we don't want anyone getting cancer) prostate cancer has a good prognosis for most men. Believe me when I say I cried my eyes out until I realized my dad was finally cancer-free. :)
    Third, I love it that I can come here and share. I keep thinking more and more about this kid thing. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I'm half-inclined to go get a full time job again just so I can have insurance to go to the doctor to find out what the hell is wrong with husby or me…so that maybe we can get on with this kid thing…or on to adoption. I hate this limbo bs. Alas, I have to be patient and finish school. I just don't know if I can wait a year, though. Time is NOT on my side. :\

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    1. What luxury a year is. Can you defer school? I definitely think if this is the desire of your heart and you can make it happen, do it.

      When you're five years down the line from here, do you think you'll regret giving up school or pushing back your chances for success on the baby front? I know which I'd choose.

      I'm SO glad you come here and share. It makes me feel heaps better about all this *waves hands* because I know that you (and others) KNOW. And knowing that helps. The solidarity helps. The Not-Aloneness helps.

      I know that prostate cancer is one of the more manageable ones. There are treatment options and all sorts to look into. I think he'll be okay. I hope he'll be okay. But it's still quite the source of anxiety. I'm glad your Dad's okay though, even if he is all put back together.

      ALWAYS keep writing <3

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    2. Okay lets see. I quit grad school twice already bc i wasnt sure i could do it AND work full time. But i dont make as much as i need as if i had a masters degree, you see. Teaching at a private school you get he same wage as a fast food worker without a masters degree. No kidding. So theres the dilemma. Not make very much and not be able to afford basic necessities for a kiddo or finish school and have a more comfortable living AND better insurance. Soon i should be able to get it on my own and get myself to the doc anyways :)
      Wish me luck that i can get all his stuff to happen sooner rather than later. Sigh
      Have a wonderful rest of ur wknd. Sorry for the bad typing i am on my fone haha

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    3. Wishing you HUGE luck. And that's truly a horrible dilemma. I hope you figure it out in time *HUGS*

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  9. I sincerely just typed out this novel of a comment and I think your blog eated it.

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  10. Infertility might be the worst thing on the planet. That and cancer, and here they sit in your lap. I'm so sorry to hear this. Having just "met"you, I know very little about you, but you opened up your world to me tonight, and for that, I thank you. I struggled with infertility myself, always feeling hope and then the complete wrecking ball of pain that came with every let down, every failed attempt, every negative test, and I could never understand why on earth it wouldn't just happen for me. I hated pregnancy tests, and I hated fighting over pregnancy tests, and nothing makes you self hate more than feeling broken, which is how I felt. It took almost 3 years, but we finally got pregnant. My second baby was unplanned...a what? That can't happen. We didn't even "try". Hang in there. It WILL happen. But the waiting is excruciating. I'm glad you write and that it serves such a cathartic purpose for you. I hope your fingers never get tired of typing.

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    1. They both suck so much. And I'm really, really pleased you got your children.

      But there is no 'will'. I wish there were, but come February, our time is up.

      I'll always write, until I no longer need it. SO I'll always write.

      Thanks so much for the encouragement. I really appreciate it.

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  11. Back for the fifth time... to tell you I read your comment slowly...and most assuredly I understand it!!! Beautiful. Perfect. Exactly. Amen.

    In the name of the Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit... yes, dear one. YES!

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  12. oh my dear Lizzie,
    Hold on... on my way with a shovel! xo zoe

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  13. Oh dear Lizzi, I know that bottom. I remember sitting on the bottom step of a staircase in our home in Atlanta and thinking why keep living when the one thing I want most in the world does not happen -- time and time again. Feel all those prayers and thoughts of those who know you and care for you surrounding you with love. I remember praying to God to please take this desire away if it wasn't his will for my life. And then the cancer diagnosis of your FIL. None of us know what lies down the road but how wonderful that you and your husband have each other. That you are walking through this valley in love with each other. So many people don't have that in their lives. A big hug and wishing you peace dear one.

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    1. Jamie I'm so sorry that you know this. And that prayer...it makes so much sense, and I now have a gnawing dread that it's going to be one I have to pray. It's not a prayer I ever thought of but now I wonder if it might be necessary. Which is a horrific thought. But thank you for putting the idea into my head. I may well need it.

      And yes - there's no knowing what lies ahead, but I suppose I should be (far more than I am) grateful that Husby and I have one another. Thank you.

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  14. Oh man, I have no electricity and am using my brother's wi-fi right now to check in. So, I truly am not going to be able to join this week, but totally wishingI could. Seriously, was sick during the week, then had the electrician here all day yesterday and he will be back again today. Also, still have so much left to do to get ready for Christmas for the girls between baking, wrapping and putting toys together (like an elf now). So, I probably won't even be online except my phone intermittently all weekend long. But wishing you a wonderful weekend and also Merry Christmas coming up!! :)

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    1. Sounds really busy, Janine. I hope you're all better now, and that you manage to make Christmas happen at your house in the way you want. Take care, and see you when you're back online.

      Here's hoping your electricity gets fixed very soon.

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    2. Lets see if i can type from my fone...

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    3. Seems so! Wow! You might be the ONLY ONE EVER...

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  15. I just saw a picture posted the other day, it reminds me of you today.. What we have others are praying for. It reminds me there are people like yourself who pray for children, happiness, peace and happiness in your life. Sorry life feels so crappy and unfair but I am happy you have found that you do have wonderful gifts in your life with your family and beautifully supportive love. Those crappy meds your on are NOT working for you.. you need to give your doctor hell and tell him/her to 'fix it'. Life does NOT need to feel this way while your working through your feelings and finding your path, there are so many alternative medications out there, you really need to do that NOW so you can move on and feel more positive about things to come.. cause there are always better days ahead.. always. Be well and well, my answer when life kicks me too many times... dance.. just turn up some 'funk' and dance girl :)

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    1. That sounds like a good picture. I'll bear it in mind.

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  16. Oh Lizzi- I'm so sorry. Let's chat later. I know you'd been feeling so UP lately and I hope you don't let this keep you so far down for too long.

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    1. Yeah that sounds good :)

      I'll have Niece and Neff around later, so at least I'll have a Big, Shiny Distraction. Not sure what I'm gonna do with them, but later before bed, I'm gonna take them out after their tea and go on a drive to see Christmas lights around the city.

      I won't be down for long hun, I never am these days (well, not in a 'foreground' kind of way - there's always some background upset bubbling away), but it would be nice to chat.

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  17. (for those of us familiar with that 'dark place') I will sat thank you for sharing in this Post.
    There are no words to alter the feelings that are a part of being there.
    However, to put yourself in a place where you will be subject to the words and thoughts and experiences of others does…in too-small-to-measure-increments, make a difference.

    the cold, dark place is built on the idea of being alone… you and your knowledge of being an outsider. doing whatever you must to to allow the fact of others into that place…doesn't decrease the pain or the hurt… it does decrease the 'this-must-be-true-it-is-the-only-thing-of-my-world quality of that place.

    We will be here when you are able to return and thank you for showing that the isolation can be altered.


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    1. I have at least learned this - as soon as I start feeling that way, I NEED people around me. As fast as possible.

      And hey, by the time I'd gotten my IRL people around me, and come back and felt marginally better, the WDVidChat was the precise tonic I needed, so thank you for making that happen (in a 'yesterday' and an 'ever' sense)

      I'm on my way back already :)

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  18. oh!! yeah!!! here!!!
    http://wakefielddoctrine.com/2013/12/21/ttot-home-alone-special-the-wakefield-doctrine-and-then-drove-off-in-an-old-red-plymouth-sedan/

    hey see you tomorrow 9:30/12:30/10:30 pm.pm.am

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  19. There are so very many things to say to you. You make me want to get on a plane and come to you. I'm glad you write it and I'm obviously at a loss for words right now. You should just read my post. XOXO

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    1. In the world of the 'if only's, Sandy, I would definitely welcome your visit.

      But I shall read your post *HUGS* <3

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  20. I've never heard this about SSRIs before; it could explain why my husband and I have been struggling for years, even though we've tried everything (mostly). Why don't doctors tell us this information?! I pray you're feeling better soon. God bless you!

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    1. It's one of those hidden, bastard side-effects they don't advertise! I recommend researching an alternative if you possibly can - it's SO awful that this happens. Doctors don't tell us because these drugs are cheap and straightforward for them to hand out. Bless your heart - I hope you get this figured out in your own marriage. Prayers for you, and thanks for stopping by to comment.

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  21. My Lizzi! I'm so sorry I'm just getting to your post, but I'm just getting back to life, really, after being down in the sick for 36 hours - YUCK. Not pretty. ANYway, thank you for writing. << wish I could bold, italicize, and underline that. It's important for you and your friends. I'm so thankful for your IRL family that "merped" you, gave you tea and biscuits, hugs, and support when you needed it. And for husby, too! But most of all I'm thankful you could feel the feels, lean into them, and still find the thankfuls, the silver linings! THAT is huge. That is what will get you through as much as "merpes" and support from family and friends. Gratitude for the good. You are so strong. I have so much admiration for you right now.

    Love, hugs, prayers, and happy thoughts sending your way. xoxo

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    1. Aw it's alright hun, you had a very cast-iron excuse for not being here. And you needed to look after you. Glad you're feeling better.

      You're always welcome for the writing, and I'm glad that it's a Good Thing and important for my friends as well as just me.

      Thanks for sharing your thankfuls about this. Helps me to remember just how good they are, and how much I really need to focus on them.

      Thank you for all the love, hugs, prayers and happy thoughts. Same back atcha :) <3

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    2. BTW, you little renegade rebel! Do you know how ninja you are for turning this on its ass and making it a linkie TToT to spite the feels? That's so effing bad ass! It's....it's....HOT.

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    3. did someone say "HOY"??!

      what the hell does HOY mean? you people!! damn!

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    4. *grins* Never underestimate me - it would be a grave mistake.

      I can take absolute shite, and make it come beautiful. It's my magic (sometimes)...

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  22. Damn, I commented last night and it didn't go through. I hate that you're in this place. I hate that you've been dealt some crappy cards. But the fact that you've found those good cards hiding at the bottom of the deck - that gives me hope. You know I am one of your Hope Holders, and I'm holding on super tight. Super duper tight.

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    1. Keep holding, Dana - I really need you to. Because I don't quite know how it's going to happen. I really need you, Stephanie and Janine right now. I'm so grateful that you're doing this for me - it really, truly helps to give me some mental space from it.

      There are good cards. Some REALLY good cards. I just need to keep focused on them.

      Thank you. And sorry for your first comment - that sucks :(

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  23. I just love that you did this, Lizzi - not so we could link up but because that is indeed why the TToT is for. But of course you know that.

    Life deals shit (I can say shit here, right?) and we have to figure out what to do with it. You don't want to hear anybody else's story about prostate cancer but I have a great one if you want it. I can't begin to fathom why someone with as huge a heart as you has to deal with so much suffering right now...but I can't figure out why someone as awesome as me and the Fab Hub have to deal with our pile of crap, either. If I knew the answers, I'd write them on pieces of paper and throw them into the wind so they could find their way to the proper souls who need them. I didn't read deeply through every comment - I skimmed all the way, though. AT one point you said no one ever said it would be fair. So true, isn't it? Life is not fair. The only thing that ever helps me with that struggle is to remember what I learned in teacher school a thousand years ago...fair isn't everyone gets the same and it isn't everyone gets what they want. Fair means everyone gets what they need to ultimately successful. It's how I'm trying to look at this long drawn out process of the Hub's unemployment issues. We just talked about it this morning, in fact - have we approached this in the "right" way? Should we have done something better or different? Is there something great in store for us? And if so, why is it taking so freaking long for that grand plan to reveal itself. Patience sucks. But as we head toward the new year and know we are approaching a very tangible deadline, it starts to look really scary. So that's why I was doing a TToT post anyway - because I have started to count on it to keep my focus in a more positive place. I can't tell you how much it has benefitted me in the few weeks I've been doing it. I have to finish and post it later because I have to make good on a promise to make homemade window clings and throw together a casserole that will feed three houses tonight. But I'm finishing it and posting later.

    When I looked on Bloglovin this morning and saw your title, I KNEW you were doing a TToT even without the linkup. The only reason I didn't read right away was because I was working alphabetically and I hit Christine's blog before yours - but her post confirmed it! So I jumped over here. You are brave - just like that song you love - to post here even feeling like hell. But that's when we need it most. Go you!

    My hope and prayer for you continues to be that you will one day find yourself amazed by and at peace with whatever beautiful thing is in store for you.

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    1. Also, I just this second found a pin on Pinterest that made me think of you. But I don't know how to send it to you.

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    2. Post the link here? I'm on Pintrest but I dunno how to find me. Coming back to this later but I want you to know I've read it, and thank you xxx

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    3. Right *settles in to reply*

      Firstly, I absolutely HAVE to believe that a person's goodness and their worth have absolutely NO bearing on the lot they get handed in life. The two are separate. I know it is human nature to feel that we should be able to earn or 'deserve' good things, and I think that's because we are at heart a nurturing species, and when we care for each other, we want to reinforce their goodness and our value of them, by doing good things for them which make them happy. It's part of our society, it's part of our culture - it's part of our inherent humanity.

      But life is arbitrary, and without meandering off into the realms of the spiritual, life is also harsh and unfair, and does not conform to what we'd like - it picks no favourites. And the people who are willing to break the rules of society to get ahead are often the ones 'life' seems kindest to. The people who abide by the rules often seem to get slammed with epic challenges. I don't really understand why that seems to be the case so often, but it is, and there you have it.

      There's also not always a lesson or a plan. But there ARE always things we can learn (which is a little different) and ways in which we can improve our character.

      I really hope that you guys make your scary deadline, and that things start making sense soon. Honestly, the more I read of what people are going through at the moment, the gladder I am that I went renegade and hooked us all up with a TToT anyway - I think we really need it at the moment. It's SUCH a good discipline, and it really does help.

      We shall keep writing our lists and holding each other in our hearts.

      I'm glad you twigged. I really, truly, SO needed this Ten. And I figured that if even Christine was bugging me for a link-up, it was something more than just the two of us would need. And I was right. It's become a very integral part of my life, and I admit, I was feeling pretty lost without it.

      Thank you for your hopes and prayers. They're sensible ones. I echo their sentiments.

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    4. "The people who abide by the rules often seem to get slammed with epic challenges. "

      Isn't that just the truth? I can't tell you how many times I have screamed or whispered some version of this over the last year and a half since the Fab Hub's job was eliminated and we were thrust headlong into this current version of what we call Life. We are good people. We follow the rules - even if we don't want to. We try to live good lives - kindly, honestly, faithfully, ethically. So why is it that the people who toss reason and propriety to the wind seem to get away with the golden ticket? No idea. I have to remind myself every day that other people aren't my concern in that regard - their lot is their lot and mine is my own. I just have to try and make sense of it all and figure out what it means for me.

      I'll go spiritual for a second...let's talk Puritans. They were a good, faithful, simple bunch of folk who did their best to deal with whatever lot they were handed (predestination - what a way to live!) and find a way to accept it, even if they couldn't seem to understand it. I try to think like that. "OK, God, I have no idea why my husband's job disappeared, but surely there's some point to all of this." The problem is that I have zero patience and I want the answer now.

      So glad you made this a linkup - I definitely wanted and needed to have the TToT during this fortnight. (See how many times I toss that one around?)

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    5. Here's the pin. Somehow it was weird that I saw this not thirty seconds after reading your post - so I think I'm supposed to share!

      http://www.pinterest.com/pin/516717757218475266/

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    6. The Puritans have a bad rep.

      Hey, is there any SM way I can contact you (not here, in comments)? It would be great to chat properly...

      And yes. It absolutely is the truth. But there's more to it even, than that.

      And sometimes there is no tangible point - certainly not one which comes from good. And wanting the answer now is so, SO human, and so hard. And a challenge I grapple with CONSTANTLY.

      I'm glad too. I'll keep it up til after Christmas and then probably do another renegade one next weekend. It seems the need for the hop is greater than the need for a break.

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    7. I'm a SM loser (took me like four and a half minutes to figure out that was social media and not something else). For the moment, I have e-mail - haven't gone the Facebook Twitter etc route. I'm hater. :) But yeah, e-mail me anytime. :)

      Delete
    8. Okay - I will do. I can get that. But only just remembered now *facepalm*

      Delete
  24. I don't know all of the back story here but I have picked up a little and I'm so very sorry for all that you have been through and are dealing with. I know that there is nothing I can say/write that would ease any pain of you but I am praying for you and your Husby!!!

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    1. Thank you Kim. I think that might be one of the most effective things there is...because there sure as hell isn't anything tangible which will help. So really, truly, thank you.

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  25. So many hugs to you, Lizzi. I'm at a loss of words, but be assured that I'm holding your hopes, fighting off anyone who's trying to get to them and climb on a ladder (despite my extreme fear of heights) to hold them even higher for you! I'm glad you have family by your side who support you. I remeber having a friend by my side at a similar situation several years back, and it helped so much to be able to share and not having to carry the load alone.

    I hope you're having a good dinner with your hubby!

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    1. Thanks so much Stephanie. I truly appreciate you hanging onto them. As I said to Dana - it gives me so much more mental space. When I start getting hooked in, I picture you three holding the hopes, and I feel calmer, knowing that *I* don't have to worry about them too much. Course, they do come back and attack me now and again, but for the most part, I'm free of the overwhelmingness of their burden.

      It's DEFINITELY easier not having to carry this alone, and to be able to share. I'd go nuts otherwise!

      Dinner was good, thanks :)

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  26. There's nothing I can say that can take away your pain, but I pray you'll find your way back out of this dark place. :) My heart hurts for you, sweet girl. *HUGS*

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    1. Thank you so much *HUGS*

      It will all be alright in the end - it's just not the end yet.

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  27. Lizzi. Woman who should sleep more. Not a lot. Just more. The dark place is awful. And sometimes unavoidable. And sometimes we have to indulge the darkness. I hope that your sharing has provided enough cathartic comfort to propel you at least to the 50 feet of crap mark.
    "Who loves ya baby?"

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    1. I slept more. I indulged with a lovely long lie-in this morning. And hey - at least I didn't fall asleep IN THE ROOM again! Good grief! You looked like you were going to, though ;)

      The writing was hugely cathartic. It's been that way a lot this week. And the responses (far more so than the sharing) by people who have such beautiful warmth of spirit that they genuinely do care, has been staggering and wonderful and comforting and encouraging.

      I'm probably almost back at rock-bottom today :D *HUGS* <3

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  28. Sorry to see that you've been feeling low again this week and that you've had some added tough stuff to deal with. It can sometimes seem as if everything comes at once, but even from below rock bottom there is still the chance to climb up again. Hope things feel brighter for you soon.

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    1. Thanks Yvonne. I'm full of distractions today, and it's been good. Writing this last night was absolutely necessary. But I've clawed (and been helped) a good portion of the way back. I have a sense of humour again today :)

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  29. Hi, I heard a song once. That when it seems God is saying no, he may just have a bigger yes around the corner. I am praying for you to have a bigger yes in the near future friend. Hang in there. God never forsakes us or leaves us.

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    1. I'm really struggling to even form in my mind of anything which could be bigger and more wonderful than having kids...

      Perhaps my dreams are too small.

      Or perhaps they aren't - I put it to any parent - *is* there anything better than the love you have for your kids?

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  30. I'm not even sure what to say other than that PLEASE remember your life will look so different in 5 years, and that 5 years is not that long... Also, hugs, prayers, and massive support through the interwebs. Big. Huge, even...

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    1. It will be different. Though for better or for worse, who's to say?

      But thank you so, so much. Beyond writing, for all your support and encouragement. <3 <3 <3

      Delete
  31. Just know as the internet takes a holiday for the next few days, I am praying for everyone that is hurting this holiday season. Holidays can be really, really rough when you're hurting. Hang in there, my friend!

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    1. Thanks so much. I'll try! I'll get through it in one shape or another...

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  33. I am hoping for the best possible outcome for your father in law and for you and your husband. And I am glad you did not go about your grief alone. There is something so lifting about being with others, even in the darkest moments.

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    1. Thanks Ilene. I need to try to remember that...keep being with others in this. Probably sensible.

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  34. Oh, if only there weren't an ocean between us! I'm a much better listener than speaker, and it's so much easier (for me) to be supportive in person than over the internet. My lack of many words in no way indicates a lack of concern. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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    1. Thanks Kristi. I do appreciate it.

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  35. I am so so sorry to read what you're going through. I can't imagine how difficult it must be and how stressful for you and your husband. I haven't been in the Christmas spirit, and I have been in a horrible mood, so I forced myself to think of 10 things I'm thankful for. I actually have a lot to be thankful for. You've read my blog.......... about my immediate family being gone, and other problems I deal with. Then I read ytour blog, and I feel a bit selfish. The only thing I can relate to a little, is in 2004, I had a miscarriage. I was around 4 months pregnant, heard the tiny heartbeat, it was painful, physically and emotionally. However, I had my 2 year old daughter. Then in 2006, I was blessed with my youngest daughter. I read what you wrote about a man getting his children back when he had been cruel to them. Things like that break my heart and I often wonder why in the great scheme of things do people who aren't fit to raise a cat have children they don't want and then so many people such as yourself want a child and would be such a good mother. I can tell you are a strong person and caring. I had a friend who desperately wanted a child. Her and her husband was looking into adoption and then suddenly, she was pregnaant. I hope for you that a miracle like that occurs.
    On a brighter note; I adore what Kate sent you. I'm so thankful and happy when I seen there was a TToT and you added a linkie! You touch a lot of people with your honesty and sharing your struggles. I feel blessed just to know that part of you on here. I hope the Holiday spirit comes and I will keep you in my thoughts. I'm not way religious or anything, but I do pray to a Higher Power when I feel lost or if I need to feel there is someone larger than me looking over all of us.
    You are an amazing woman and I believe everything will come together for you and your hubby somehow. Hugs.

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    1. Donetta I'm glad you were able to use this as the tool it's meant to be. Sorry you've been finding it a struggle. And honestly - what's hard for each of us is HARD for each of us - there's no comparing of pain or situations - if it's hard to US it counts - it's a challenge, and it's undiminished by anyone else's pain or circumstance. I promise you that. So well done for your heroic Ten Things.

      In the grand scheme of things I'm not sure there are any answers. Not sensible ones. It's a broken world, and broken things happen.

      When there are no sperms, talking or thinking about adoption (or anything else) won't make a blind bit of difference. But I'm glad your friend got a baby. Desperately wanting a child and diagnosed infertility are vastly different.

      Kate's card really made my day. She's such a wonderful, sweet person.

      And thank you - I'm glad you appreciate all the honesty and the TToT and the linkie and the being part of this community of thankful, wonderful, sometimes broken, always strong, awesome people.

      Thanks for your thoughts and wishes.

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  36. I love the card you got from Kate! What a lovely way to say "I care"! <3

    I am glad that despite of all the negative emotions you are going through right now you still came up with ten things. You are such an inspiration. I hope you know that.

    Sending you some lovin' and warm thoughts from the continent to your beautiful island (which, in another era and another life, I planned moving to and living with my British boyfriend back then. Yes, that was my plan.) xoxo

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    1. It's beautiful, and she's such a sweet, caring, wonderful person. I am truly in awe of her.

      I'm glad too - I needed it! And I'm glad you think I'm inspiring. It seems I'm more inspiring with this TToT than even I knew, and I'm SO pleased to see the returns on it this week. It's amazing.

      Thank you my friend. If you had come to England that would've been so cool. But hey, how differently life would've turned out! At least I know you THIS way, right? And that's Good :D *HUGS*

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